


Small Victories

by lostatsea



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, be careful though, this is basically a vent, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-31
Updated: 2018-07-31
Packaged: 2019-06-19 04:33:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15502404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostatsea/pseuds/lostatsea
Summary: This was his last resort.





	Small Victories

Tyler stared at his computer screen, text messages with Josh laying open. 

Everything was still. The last message sent was a simple “ _ yeah _ ” from Josh, which meant it was Tyler’s responsibility to carry the conversation to wherever he wanted next. He knew what he wanted to bring up, but there were only so many words that he could use. He did not know how to pinpoint what he was thinking and what he was feeling. 

He did not know how to describe the extent of the never-ending anxious thoughts circulating in his mind. He did not know how to describe the emptiness and the hopeless and the loneliness crawling through his veins. He did not know how to describe how lost he was and how isolated he was from any path of recovery. 

That’s why his mind was drifting to the only other possibility. It wasn’t healthy, he knew, but it was the last option on his list. He had tried everything: creating music, writing poems, and immersing himself in all forms of creativity for distraction. Usually, that would help, or at least it would temporarily silence the pain. But with this bout, nothing was working. Absolutely nothing. 

This was his last resort. 

Tyler sighed and returned to the computer. 

**phun** : it’s getting late so i probably should shower

**alienboy** : yeah you should 

Tyler pushed himself away from the computer and buried his head in his sweatshirt. He couldn’t do this. 

**phun** : what if i just slept instead 

**alienboy** : you should make sure you take care of yourself 

Tyler let out a sharp puff of breath. Josh knew he wasn’t feeling well lately, and he was only looking out for the other boy.

Tyler couldn’t straight out say what he was thinking,  _ no _ , because that would make the problem seem too  _ real _ . Tyler was also trapped in the corners of his mind from the harsh yells of his parents, and admitting something like this would dig himself deeper into hole of shame.

**phun** : i guess so

Tyler grabbed his phone and trudged into the bathroom. His mind seemed foggy, stuck in a haze, but he somehow made it to turn on the shower water to the hottest setting. He placed his phone down on the counter, watching the room slowly fill with steam, before leaning against the cabinets and closing his eyes momentarily. The dark of his brain was filled with tempting thoughts. 

_ I can’t do this, _ Tyler whispered to himself, sure that the downstairs television was blaring any possible noise he was making upstairs. He was paranoid to let anyone in on his struggles, but he used to think that was more of an internal battle to beat his own mind. However, upon letting his parents know of just a fraction of his worries, he realized that was not the case. 

He had no options.

**phun** : i’ll be back then

The shower was hot and steamy and that made it hard to breathe. 

Tyler grabbed the shampoo bottle, flimsy and slippery, and placed a small amount in his hands. He lathered it sloppily before coursing it through his head and leaning back into the water. The water  _ almost _ felt refreshing. 

_ Doing anything would make this worse.  _

He stood there and focused on his breathing. People always told him that slow, methodical breathing was best to keep control in anxious situations, but to Tyler, it never seemed to work. People threw it around like it was a cure-all, but it just made him feel like he was choking.

He closed his eyes instead, careful not to let any soap drip into them. Maybe he wouldn’t mind that, though. 

_ Doing anything would make this worse.  _

The body wash in the shower was red and supposedly apple scented, but to Tyler, it smelled more like his grandmother’s house that he would visit in the summertimes when he was younger. It was a distinct fragrance that he was surprised he recalled, but he was still glad he was able to still hold onto the innocence of youth with memory. He would rather be transported back to that time than stuck in the prison of reality, but that wasn’t possible. 

He quickly rubbed the red soap so it dissipated into a white, bubbly mixture instead. He didn’t need a reminder. 

_ Doing anything would make this worse.  _

Tyler stared at his hands and everything sharp. He had options. 

_ Doing anything would make this worse. Doing anything would make this worse. Doing anything would make this worse.  _

He took a large breath in, shaking his head. He was right; he did not need to make the situation any worse than it was, even though the tempting lure was persistently lingering his mind and telling him that it held a solution. But it was lying, and it could only lead to more complications.

It could get infected. His parents could see it. The doctor could see it. His friends could find out. 

How would he change in the gym and basketball locker rooms? How would he wear short sleeves in the summer or during games and practices? How would he live with the guilt? 

_ Doing anything would make this worse,  _ Tyler murmured. The desire was still there, but if the potential complications could act as a fine deterrent, Tyler would have to take that. 

He turned the shower water off. Now, only steam was left. 

Taking a step out of the shower, Tyler grabbed the white towel laying on the bench to his right and ran it through his hair. He then draped it around himself, and turned to face the fogged up mirror. He was glad that he didn’t need to stare into an unrecognizable figure. 

His phone was still lying where he left it, and nothing had changed except for the time. He picked up his phone with shaky hands. 

**phun** : i’m back

Josh responded quickly.

**alienboy** : nice

Tyler shrugged to himself, staring off into space. He felt the emptiness more than ever. 

_ Small victories _ , he guessed. 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading. <3  
> please leave a comment if you liked it. i know this isn't my best work, but it was just written to get something down into writing.


End file.
